Peter Cook and Dudley Moore (Rowan Atkinson) and Monty Python Skits

Follower How will it be, this end of which you have spoken, Brother Enim?
All Yes, how will it be?
Peter Well, it will be, as 'twere a mighty rending in the sky, you see, and the mountains shall sink, you see, and the valleys shall rise, you see, and great shall be the tumult thereof.
Follower Will the veil of the temple be rent in twain?
Peter The veil of the temple will be rent in twain about two minutes before we see the sign of the manifest flying beast-head in the sky.
Follower 2 And will there be a mighty wind, Brother Enim?
Peter Certainly there will be a mighty wind, if the word of God is anything to go by...
Dudley (Rowan Atkinson) And will this wind be so mighty as to lay low the mountains of the earth?
Peter No - it will not be quite as mighty as that - that is why we have come up on the mountain, you stupid nit - to be safe from it. Up here on the mountain we shall be safe - safe as houses.
Follower And what will happen to the houses?
Peter Well, naturally, the houses will be swept away and the tents of the ungodly with them, and they will all be consuméd by the power of the heavens and on earth - and serve them right!
Follower And shall we be consumed?
Peter Con..sum..éd? No, we shall not be consuméd - we shall be up on the mountain here, you see, while millions burn, having a bit of a giggle.
Follower When will it be, this end of which you have spoken?
All Aye, when will it be - when will it be?
Peter In about thirty seconds time, according to the ancient pyramidic scrolls... and my Ingersoll watch.
Follower Shall we compose ourselves, then?
Peter Good plan, Brother Pithy. Prepare for the End of the World! Fifteen seconds...
Follower Have we got the tinned food?
Dudley (Rowan Atkinson) Yes.
Peter Ten seconds...
Follower And the tin-opener?
Dudley (Rowan Atkinson) Yes.
Peter Five - four - three - two - one - Zero!
All (Chanting) Now is the end - Perish The World!
A pause
Peter It was GMT, wasn't it?
Follower Yes.
Peter Well, it's not quite the conflagration I'd been banking on. Never mind, lads, same time tomorrow... we must get a winner one day.

fading I think it was 'is fault, this bloke 'ere...

One Leg Too Few
Peter Cook: The scene is set in a producer's office. [moves a chair to center stage] By the magic of placing a chair in the middle of this place, we have conjured up a producer's office. [in character, calls out to stage right] Uh, Miss Rigby? Stella, my love? Would you send in the next auditioner, please? Thank you, my dear. 

[Enter Moore, grinning broadly, wearing trench coat, hopping on one leg, the other leg -- the left one -- tucked under the coat - he hops over to Cook and shakes hands.] 

Peter Cook: Nice to see you. 

Dudley Moore: [still hopping up and down] Nice to see you. 

Peter Cook: Settle down. [puts a hand on Moore's shoulder and stops his hopping] Uh, Mr. Spiggott, is it not? 

Dudley Moore: Yes, Spiggott's the name, acting's my game.

Peter Cook: I see. Spiggott is the name and acting is your game.

Dudley Moore: Right.

Peter Cook: If you'd like to settle down for one moment, Mr. Spiggott. 

Dudley Moore: Certainly, yes.

Peter Cook: Thank you very much. [Moore hops over to the chair and rests his "stump" on it] Mr. Spiggott, er, you are auditioning, are you not, for the role of Tarzan? 

Dudley Moore: Yes.

Peter Cook: Uh, Mr. Spiggott, I, uh, I couldn't help noticing -- almost immediately -- that you are a one-legged man. 

Dudley Moore: Oh. You noticed that? 

Peter Cook: When you've been in the business as long as I have, Mr. Spiggott, you, uh, you get to notice these little things, almost instinctively. 

Dudley Moore: Yeah. Sort of ESP.

Peter Cook: That kind of thing, yes.

Dudley Moore: Mm, yes.

Peter Cook: Now, Mr. Spiggott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan.

Dudley Moore: Yes, right.

Peter Cook: A role traditionally associated with a two-legged artiste. 

Dudley Moore: Yes, correct, yes, yes. 

Peter Cook: And yet you, a unidexter... are applying for the role. 

Dudley Moore: Yes, right, yes. 

Peter Cook: A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement. Well, Mr. Spiggott, need I point out to you with overmuch emphasis where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role? 

Dudley Moore: Yes, I think you ought to. 

Peter Cook: Perhaps I ought, yes. Need I say with, uh, too much stress that it is in the, uh, leg division that you are deficient. 

Dudley Moore: The leg division? 

Peter Cook: The leg division, Mr. Spiggott. You are deficient in the leg division to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. It's a lovely leg for the role. As soon as I saw it come in, I said, "Hello! What a
lovely leg for the role!" 

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: I've got nothing against your right leg. 

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: The trouble is -- neither have you. [delayed applause] You, uh, you fall down on the left.

Dudley Moore: You mean it's inadequate? 

Peter Cook: It is inadequate, Mr. Spiggott. 

Dudley Moore: Mm.

Peter Cook: In my view, the public is not yet ready ...

Dudley Moore: No?

Peter Cook: ... for the sight of a one-legged Tarzan swinging through the jungly tendrils, shouting "Hello, Jane."

Dudley Moore: No. No, right.

Peter Cook: But don't despair, Mr. Spiggott. I mean, after all, you score over a man with no legs at all. By one hundred percent. 

Dudley Moore: Well, I've got twice as many.

Peter Cook: You're streets ahead!

Dudley Moore: So there's still hope? 

Peter Cook: Of course there is still hope, Mr. Spiggott.

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: I mean, if we get no two-legged character actors in here within, say, the next, oh, [checks his wristwatch] eighteen months, there is every chance that you, a unidexter, will be the very type of
artiste we shall be attempting to contact with a view to jungle stardom.

Dudley Moore: [likes the sound of that] Jungle stardom.

[Moore gets off chair, shakes hands with Cook while hopping up and down.]

Peter Cook: I'm just sorry I can't be more definite at this stage.

Dudley Moore: Oh, good Lord!

Peter Cook: But you must understand ... these days.  We've so much tied up in the remake of Gone With The Wind, Part Four, we can't afford...

[Applause drowns out some of Cook's parting comments to Moore who exits right, hopping and waving goodbye. The SNL band begins to play and Cook, alone on stage, does a little hopping himself to the music as we fade out.]


Submitted Anonymously

Society is to Blame (Dead Bishop)

Son (Graham Chapman): Hello, mom! Hello, dad!

Husband (Eric Idle): Hello, son!

Son: There's a dead bishop on the landing!

Wife(Terry Jones): Where...where's he from?

Son: What do you mean?

Wife: What's his diocese?

Son: Well, he looked a bit Canterburyish to me.

Husband: I'll go and have a look.

Wife: I don't know who's bringing them here.

Son: Well, it's not me.

Wife: I put three out by the trashcans last week and the garbagemen won't touch them.

Husband: It's the bishop of Leicester!

Wife: How do you know?

Husband: Tatooed on the back of his neck! I think I'd better call the police!

Wife: Should you call the church?

Son: Call the church police!

Husband: That's a good idea! The church police!

Detective (Michael Palin): Hello! What's all this then? Amen!

Wife: Are you the church police?

Church Police: Oh, yes!

Wife: There's another dead bishop on the landing, detective-sergeant!

Detective: Detective-Parson, madam! What is he? R.C. or civvy?

Wife: How should I know?

Detective: Tatooed on the back of their neck! Here, is that rat tart?

Wife: Oh, uh, yes.

Detective: Disgusting! Right, men! The hunt is on! Let us kneel in prayer! Oh, Lord!

Church Police: Oh, Lord, we beseech thee. Tell us who croaked the Bishop of Leicester.

[Thunder]

[Angels' Choir]

God: The one in the braces, he done it.

[Angels' Choir]

Husband: It's a fair cop, but society is to blame.

Detective: Right, we'll arrest them instead!

John Cleese: Come on, you! Are you in society? Are you in society?

Wife: Ho, ho, ho, ho...

Detective: Right, we'd like to conclude this arrest with a hymn.

All:
All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small.
All things wise and wonderful...